What to look forward to after college graduation
I was at a workshop with all college seniors earlier this month, my favorite group to work with! And I was asked a question that I haven’t stopped thinking about. One of the attendees asked, “Other than getting married and having children eventually, what is there to look forward to after college?” And I think I chuckled a little bit while I also experienced this rush through my body of the entire decade of my twenties. Joy, surprise, discovery, disappointment, learning, freedom, all of these things immediately filled my heart and my mind and tried to come out in words. Thankfully every page of Don’t Wear Shoes You Can’t Walk In shares what to look forward to in your twenties and there’s only one or two lessons on marriage and none about children because while those are wonderful things, that’s not what the decade of your twenties is all about. There’s more…
Your twenties are about moving, working, loving, losing, quitting, building and all the while getting to know yourself and gaining a strong sense of who YOU are. It’s the season of life to focus on yourself and it’s a gift, all decades aren’t like this, some of them require selflessness and for this one it’s okay to be a little selfish.
So here are a few things to look forward to and a lesson from the book to go with each:
1. You get to say no and direct your own path.
Defining moments are often the ones when we choose to say no.
We’re conditioned to believe that the biggest moments in our lives come when we say “yes.” Yes to a job offer or a marriage proposal, or finally saying yes to a new home after a long journey to find it. All of the times we say yes are big and important, but many of the times we say no are equally defining for our lives. I’ve said no to a request for a date, and that no kept me available for the next person who asked. I’ve said no to a job offer from a former client, and that no reminded me that I had done my job in the best way possible because my client wanted to take me with them—but I stayed and got a promotion instead. I’ve said no to an offer to move to a different city, and that no kept me in a city I loved longer to grow a more meaningful relationship with a now lifelong mentor. I’ve said no to another job offer from a dream company, and that no freed me up to start my own business. Pay close attention the next time you say no to something; it’s possible that it can equally be defined as a big yes to something else. Life really is like a choose-your-own-ending book; each time you say yes or no, you are directing your path.
2. You get to discover what you are good at.
Focus on the things you want to be good at. Don’t get distracted by things others are good at.
In my early twenties, I often moved my own marker for success based on the actions of others. I touched on this topic briefly in the introduction to this chapter. But it’s only in hindsight that I recognize this and can admit it. When I was in the moment, caught up in the idea that motion equaled progress, I didn’t realize that I was constantly moving the finish line, not necessarily moving toward it. Coming out of college, I had a lot of really successful friends who got great jobs in big cities, were published for starting new ventures, and made it onto “30 Under 30” lists. Based on the achievements of others, I would rethink some of my own plans and say to myself, “Maybe I should consider a role in digital or tech,” “Maybe I should go to business school,” or “Maybe I should start making a product on the side.”
But I wasn’t good at digital, standardized tests, or making products. I was really good at building and cultivating relationships with creatives and clients. I was developing a passion for social impact without knowing it yet, and I loved the work and world of branding. If your friend publishes a book, be excited for her, but don’t think you have to start writing one yourself. If your old coworkers land jobs at Google, Apple, and Amazon, don’t be upset with the decision you made to go work for nonprofits. Clearly you had a different end goal in mind. Let the success of others motivate you, pushing you toward your own goals, not toward theirs.
3. You get to grow and change your mind.
It’s possible things aren’t the same because you aren’t the same.
This one can be hard to accept. In my mid-twenties, I moved to a city where I knew no one except for my boyfriend, leaving a job I loved and family behind. Finding a new job that satisfied me as much as my former one was hard, and so were making new friends and building a life that felt like mine and not my boy- friend’s. I’d had such an easy time of it before, but now nothing was coming together as it had for me in the past. I wondered daily why I was struggling so much. My mom reminded me, “Maybe it doesn’t feel the same because you aren’t the same as you used to be, either.” She was right. I had changed and I needed to keep changing. Every next stage of our lives requires us to grow and bring an advanced, different version of ourselves to the table. So the next time you question why something isn’t the same, don’t just look outward for an answer, look inward as well.
4. You get to experience adulthood rites of passage like casually dating.
The thing about casual dating is that at some point it will either stop, or stop being casual. You have to be okay with either outcome.
As a young twentysomething, I spent a period of time dating casually, as I believe everyone should do at some point in their twenties. I even went on two dates with two different men in the same week, which felt like a rite of passage into adulthood. At age twenty-four, I consistently casually dated the same guy for a little while. We had agreed on the level and definition of our time spent together, which eventually made its way up the hierarchy all the way to, “exclusive but not in a relationship.” We were happily spending our time together in the present without worrying too much about the future, as the guy in this situation wasn’t going to live in the same city as me much longer.
I was having fun. I was learning things about myself and what I wanted in a relationship. Like how important ambition is to me as a trait in a partner. Or how I like to plan things, but it’s really nice to let someone else take the reins and surprise me with a date night. I often said aloud, “It doesn’t have to mean anything, it just has to teach us something.” However, as we continued to spend all of our free time together, I began to realize that I was becoming more attached. I felt some walls come down when we made plans for things in the future or when we went to his business school events as a couple with other known couples. And it turned out I wasn’t the only one. One day as we sat outside having a drink, he pulled his chair right next to mine and said to me, “Let’s go all in on this.” Just like that we went from a casual dating relationship to what then became a serious long-distance one.
Casual dating is great. It’s fun, as long as you can keep yourself straight and honest. There are only two ways that casual dating comes to an end. It will either stop completely, leaving you on your own again, or it will stop being casual, leaving you seriously attached to the other person. There’s no harm done as long as you are truly okay no matter which way it goes.
5. You get to define things for yourself.
You define self-care for yourself.
Self-care, as society defines it, typically includes things like yoga, massage, reading, exercise, sipping tea, and meditating. Yet I’ve found that sometimes treating myself to a late-afternoon snack of popcorn and a Cherry Coke feels particularly rejuvenating and restorative to me. It comforts me and reminds me of snacks I used to share with my dad after he’d get in from work when I was younger. If that does it for you, then do that. Self-care is whatever rejuvenates and refreshes you.
6. You get to make new friends.
If someone you met in your last city visits you in your new city, that’s a sign of enduring friendship.
I’ve lived in four different cities. As a self-proclaimed grand collector of professional experience, geographic adventure, and personal relationships, I know how valuable a relationship is that endures beyond location and convenience. It is one of the most precious gifts.
I have a close friend that I met in Atlanta. She was also a transplant to the city, originally from Toronto, and had moved there from Chicago. We worked for the same advertising agency, and I still remember her first day of work. She started just a month or two after I did. It was one of those situations where I immediately knew we were going to be good friends. Our cubicles were right next to each other; some days we ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and we were the closest of friends. After a few years, we both went on to different jobs, but still saw each other for at least one happy hour and meal a week. I’ll also never forget the last time we got together for drinks before I moved away from Atlanta. We both cried, almost hysterically, and continued to sob as we drove home separately. I know this because we came to a stop at the same red light and discovered each other crying behind the wheel—fortunately this brought us both a good laugh through our tears.
This friend was one of the first people to buy a ticket and come see me and my new city after I moved. It meant so much to me to know that our friendship, one that had only been formed five years before, could go the distance. When someone you met in your last city makes the effort to visit your new home and make it feel more familiar, appreciate it.
7. You get to take really great risks like moving for love.
Everyone has moments of weakness. Pursuing love is not one of those moments. If anything, chasing love and giving of yourself requires more strength.
My brother dropped this one on me over dinner in a barbecue restaurant. I was considering quitting my job and moving to a different city for a guy, and I was torn up inside about what doing so said about me. I thought it made me seem weak. My brother shared the lines above with me, and I encourage you to repeat them to yourself if you are considering moving or changing your path for a loved one. It doesn’t make you any less driven or independent. It’s actually one of the bravest things you can do.
8. You get to try things out, while the stakes are low.
Take the free samples.
Have you ever been to an ice cream shop that has unlimited free samples? Or paid attention to how the paint section has so many color options for you to simply take with you and test out? I recommend that you start your work life with the same mindset: take as many samples as you’d like. You might have to try a variety of different jobs or career paths in order to figure out the best one for you. While you are young, with fewer obligations or costs to worry about, explore as many opportunities as you can in order to figure out what you love to do. Don’t worry about wasting time or tasting too many different things. You’ll have more to worry about later if you don’t take the chances right now, while you can.
Your twenties are a decade of development and definition. Often called “the defining decade”, it’s not just about defining yourself, it’s also about learning to define things for yourself. Defining words like success and routine. Feelings like love and fulfillment. And even small things like what self-care looks like for your or where your toaster is allowed to go in your house.
You are no longer locked into someone else’s definition for your life and it’s a beautiful time with so much to look forward to. All the best stuff is still ahead of you, go get it!